1/27/2011

Last night I had another one of those awful dreams where I wake up still sad because I was so upset inside the dream, and then a few minutes later I remember what happened in the dream to make me so sad, and I realize it hasn't actually happened, which lifts my mood a little. But what happened is still really upsetting.

In my dream, for some reason Mom and I were walking down the road, and this road has shown up at least one other time in my nighttime subconscious ever since it happened, because it happened on that same road. The road never makes me feel disgusting in my dreams though, like you would think it would since thinking about it makes me feel disgusting. But nothing good ever seems to happen on this road. Also I was walking down the road in the opposite direction that I was driving when it happened, which also may be something interesting to note for any dream interpreters out there.

While we were walking down this road, and for some reason as some points I sled down the road on some sort of tobaggon type deal, Mom told me that she was getting married again. And I was pissed. And I think I was pissed because she was either re-marrying Paul or getting married to someone whom I felt was absolutely awful.

We got to the end of the road (and in actuality, we would have ended up at the creepy cemetery, but in my dream world there was the foundation for a house or something there) and Mom's side of the family was there getting ready for the wedding, along with my new step-father, and some of his family. And all I could think about was how awful all of these family members were to let my mom do this to herself. I tried to reason with her, but it didn't work.

I didn't stay in this dream world long enough to see them get married, but I assume they did.

Also, while Mom and I were still walking down the awful road, we had a spat about me living in the house for too long and about me always going back to the house during vacations from school. I argued that I had no where else to go, but she said she didn't want me around. This hurt me a lot, but I knew it was true and I knew I had to move on. But I had no idea how to, and I was scared.

I don't think Mom would ever actually make me move out though. But that has been something I've been worried about, where I'm going to live once I'm done with college.

It's Personal: Part 1

In the back alley of a small town you’ve never heard of, in a state you forgot existed, there’s a girl of about 19 chasing after a man of about 50. It’s 4 in the morning on a Thursday. Even the people who are normally up this late are asleep, except for these two bodies, and one other. It’s the end of winter, nearly spring. Nearly warm enough for the girl to be warm in her pajamas and fuzzy bunny slippers, but not really. The man has a military jacket on, the kind of thing the girl should be wearing. But instead she has nothing but her sleeping attire, and a knife. The man is unarmed, and therefore reasonably trying to get away from the girl with the knife who is out at 4 a.m. on a Thursday night in late winter in her pajamas. But she’s relentless.

She gets him cornered in a dead end alley. She should be out of breath, the man sure is, but she’s not. She’s calm, not even shivering in the cold or squinting in the dark. Her eyes are black holes. Her hair is long and dark and perfectly straight. She holds the knife the way they do in the movies. It’s a large, dangerous looking knife. The man is tired and, let’s be honest, more than a little drunk. He shakes and backs away from her.

The man decides to try and run around her. Her reflexes are amazing, she stabs him right in the stomach with the knife, buries it to the hilt and then, in an amazing show of strength, pulls it all the way out. The man stumbles, but pumped with adrenaline he keeps going. The girl tackles him from behind and begins stabbing his legs furiously. The man cries out, and gets stabbed in the throat. He tries to crawl away, gets stabbed more times in more places, and now the loss of blood is making him so dizzy he doesn’t even know where he is getting stabbed anymore, or if he still is at all.

“Why...” comes out of the man’s mouth, it almost sounds like he was just breathing, but the girl catches it.

“Why, what? Why am I doing this to you? Well, it’s not going to matter in a few minutes, but I’ll tell you anyway. I’m doing it to teach her a lesson.” The girl makes a gesture with her head, to nowhere in particular. The man looks around, where he can with his limited field of vision, but sees no one. But, as the girl said, it doesn’t matter soon. He barely notices the knife blade gliding across his neck, and doesn’t notice at all when he left the world completely. -----------------------------------------------------

Yeah it sucks right now. Maybe I'll go back and make it suck less later. But probably not.